Finding my voice

For those who knew me when I was in my schooling, you probably met a different Laura compared to the one now. If I told you I see myself as an introvert, would you believe it? Many people who know me now have a hard time believing I was; but it is true. 

Growing up - I was a typical loner. Quiet and shy for one. Add to having difficulty at times with pronunciation of words and being a “big girl”, I was a target for bullying right from kindergarten to adulthood, which I kept hidden inside. There would times where I would do the silliest thing, like stub my toe and I would babble to my mom about bullying that happened 6 months prior. I found I was content doing solo activities - reading books, playing cards, and playing with my dolls or barbies. High school years you would find me sitting in front of locker or in the library doing schoolwork. I developed a wall, figuratively as well as literally (staying overweight), which helped me protect myself from hurt. Didn’t always work though. 

In 2009, I started going to a counsellor to help me get out of a dark place I was in (constant negativity drags you down, let me tell you). I told Deane some of my “traumas” (we stopped at 12 traumas) and some I had thought I had dealt with, such as my sister’s suicide and my childhood bullying. The childhood bullying bubbled to the surface because my manager at work was being a bully to me. In regards to Kathryn’s death, cognitively I dealt with it so I could move forward in my life, but I never truly dealt with all the emotions of her passing. After 18 years, I finally dealt with both the cognitive skills and emotional connections with Kathryn’s death. That was huge for me, and the healing began. 

After the 3 years of counselling and given some great tools in my pocket, healing inside and out. Inside - regaining my confidence personally and professionally; “liking myself” of who I am;  and expanding my comfort zone to apply for a coding coordinator position. With the confidence and expanding my comfort zone, I learned to “use my voice”. Learning to share ideas or thoughts with my colleagues and learning to ask for help too. Outside  - starting a weight loss program at a local gym.

Now having gone through this experience, being a GBS survivor, having a voice is vital. For many months in the ICU, I had no voice because I was attached to a tracheostomy and a mechanical ventilator. It was my mom and friends who helped me by being my voice - being an advocate for my health. August 2017 - once my tracheostomy and ventilator was removed I was able to start advocating for myself too. Now living in the nursing home, you see the importance of being an advocate for yourself in your quality of life; but learning to be advocate for your fellow patients as well as the staff. Had the opportunity to do this a couple of times this month and will be able to do it again as we have monthly Long Term Care Resident & Family Council meetings. This is one way to give myself some independence in my life too. 

I am glad I am finding my voice to speak for myself and to recognize when I can speak up for others when they cannot.