It’s been 3 years

Today (September 10) marks 3 years since my life undeniably changed forever. This day I was in ICU on life support fighting to stay alive. Not knowing they journey I would have to face if I survived. Fortunate or not, the next 6 weeks I do not remember the battles I had to face - having a cardiac arrest because of severe bradycardia (slow heart rate), pneumonia, blood clots and of course paralysis from head to toe. It is through sharing with my mom and friends who were there filling me in what all occurred. Heart goes out to my mom who had bear witness to all of it but grateful for my friends who were there for me and supported my mom too.

A moment in time, that Friday night after a long day in the office, I went out to buy my supper at Extreme Pita for a chicken bacon ranch pita. Who knew undercooked chicken would be the catalyst, giving me food poisoning and the stomach flu; then numbness and inability to walk a week later. How does that happen so fast?

It took me a few weeks until I didn’t feel groggy for the diagnosis of Guillian Barre Syndrome (GBS) to sink in and what it all meant. I remember it from charts I had coded in the past, but not fully comprehended what the condition was. All I know was this was the worst case of GBS they seen and I will need to be patient as it will be a long road to recovery. Over the next year in ICU, I experienced the anger, the sadness of what I have lost, the tears, frustration on how slow recovery was taking, and of course the pain as my sensory nerves started to come alive. The difficulty of expressing those feelings when you had no voice until 10-11 months later. 

When you experience trauma such as a life altering condition, you are given a second chance to recognize and appreciate things in your life. That definitely was the case for me. I didn’t feel anymore special than anyone else I worked with, but feeling the love, encouragement and thoughtfulness from them demonstrated to me, you can just be yourself and that can make an impact on someone. In honesty, that was a hard one for me to realize and accept. Another feeling you can have experience a trauma - gratitude (the quality of being thankful). I am so thankful for the Circle of Friends (in Calgary and from afar too). My support system gave me the strength, encouragement and love to face each day (good or bad). I know I could not have gotten through that first year without them. I have been fortunate to be an “auntie” to some of my friends’ children, and what an encouragement they have been for me when visiting me in the hospital. They brought a sunshine into my room, hard not to give them a smile in return. Attached to tubes, not being able, to move to make a voice, or seeing me a wheelchair - they loved me still, accepting me. Means so much. 

Now, 3 years later, trying to stay positive or finding my smile as I begin to the pieces of my life back together again. About 1.5 years later there was a tragic bus accident involving the Humbolt hockey players, and one guy named Ryan became a paraplegic because of the accident. He is an inspiration for many, by showing by example what recovery with a positive attitude could look like. He was only 16-17 years old, I was 47. If my life is to be wheelchair bound, I am grateful that I experience the freedom one feels driving around this beautiful country of Canada. I felt the pride in what it was like buying a home your own. Experience the excitement of seeing different countries overseas - seeing where my grandfather lived in Aberdeen, Scotland. Wonderful memories. Every morning, I look at my wall and I see pictures of my family. Again a smile comes across my face, feeling their love despite being many provinces eastward. 

An important piece of my recovery is my faith. Yes, I yelled at God asking why did He do this to me! Just didn’t understand why, still don’t at times. How could He put my mom through this, hasn’t she been through enough? But I also know the power of prayer, seen it when Kathryn faced her cancers. So grateful for family, friends and even strangers praying for me. Needing to realize that even though I might feel alone, I am really never alone. I just close my eyes and talk to Him how I am feeling and could He give me the strength to face my day. One of ways was having friends share scripture during a time when I needed that encouragement. Miracles can happen, we will have to wait and see. 

Facing the unknown is scary and daunting at times too. Right now that is what I facing - so many unknowns. Will I ever walk again or am I permanently a plegic? Will be I living in a nursing home for the rest of the my life? Will I feel what independence is like again? I will need to take a deep breath, and try to not look so far in the future. It can be overwhelming and sad. Appreciate the now with my family and friends and all things will be revealed in due to time, just have to be patient. 

I wonder what will be revealed in this coming year (2019-2020)....