Reflection: My Faith

Have you ever asked yourself, “God why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?” I sure have especially in the beginning of this journey of GBS, why does my family have to go through yet another trauma, don’t see the purpose. My family has to face cancer (4 times with mom and sister!), death, and divorce. Just in 2016 alone - mom faced and beat her bone metastatic cancer, my brother Bruce severely injuring his foot and me being diagnosed with Guillian Barre Syndrome. Enough is enough I think. 

Each of these “traumas” I have had experience, my faith was tested. Can I rely on something that is not tangible - can not see it or grab onto it physically? In short, the answer is Yes. Being in a room for hours on end or the quietness of night as you prepare to sleep - you have time contemplate things, replaying memories and thinking of the past and present and what future holds now. 

I remember a verse that helped when I had to face my future without Kathryn, no longer being a big sister. As I re-read now, it reminds me that even though I feel I am alone, I am never alone. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I believe that I cannot have a present or a future without a past. The achievements and triumphs as well as those times I stumble and hurt, they are a part of who I am today. I believe I would be a different person and my road in life would probably look different too. It’s having gone through those experiences made me be able to face this life-changing trauma. 

My walk as a Christian was not strong growing up, but going to church and going to Dorian Bible Camp each year made me feel good. Even those few years where my mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer followed by my sister’s 2 bouts with bone cancer - my faith in God was not strong. It was when my sister died, after being angry at God I see how He was there for me by giving me the strength to be strong for my parents that first month. He surrounded me with love of others which was a comfort. As I look at it now, I felt a calmness inside soon after arriving to Thunder Bay. I knew where Kathryn was and that she is at peace without struggles or pain. Over the recent years, I know God has been with me giving me the strength and calmness to face my trials and tragedy by surrounding me with me in the love of others. 

Now I face the tremendous challenge of my life - recovering from Guillian Barre Syndrome. Talk about mountains to climb. Obviously my first reaction was to be angry at God. How could He do this to me? How did I deserve this “sentence” of being totally paralyzed from the head down. With the help of Tracey, the spiritual counsellor from Peter Lougheed Hospital, she help me to see that yes you can be angry to God but probably at the same time we need to reach out to Him for peace and strength. It was a lot to process but I had plenty of time to do so. One night in ICU, they had to change my Foley catheter which was an excruciating amount of pain for me. Last time I had my mom to comfort me through it, but this time I was alone. Through my tears of pain, eyes closed I prayed to God to take away my pain. Then I felt my hand being squeezed, I opened my eyes to see who was holding my hand but no one was. In that moment, I knew it was God telling me I am not alone even though I feel like I am. 

I still get angry at God when I am in pain or when I am facing another hurdle due to this disease; but knowing I can pray for healing and strength to face the hurdle is a comfort. Again, I just have to see the family and friends surrounding me reminding me God is using those people to show His strength and love to me. He has not abandoned me.