Happy 50th Birthday to me

On September 17, 2020 - I turn the big 5-0!! Imagine I will be a half century old - 5 decades. How it has been a learning journey as I look back. Thought I would be reflective as I move into a new decade. Seeing how I evolved into the person I am to, you can see your strengths and weaknesses to your personality. Also you can see how events you have in life can change the direction you would have been going down. Of course, these same events can “forever change your life”, and one needs to learn how to pick up those pieces to continue on with your life. Some people don’t like to look back and only forward. If you lost someone, you don’t feel comfortable talking about this person, maybe as it hurts too much to remember the pain of losing that someone. I am of the mind - looking back helps me see how far I have come or what I have overcome. 

In November 2009, I hit a low, probably a form of depression. I didn’t realize at the time, I was heading into a pool of darkness and negativity, not the best person to be around. Venting about my family and my work; your friends can only take so much of it where they need to make boundaries between them and you. Sadly, the result is a loss of a cherished friendship. I feel sad I was a part of ruining that friendship, but I do feel grateful of my time with them and how they have been with me when I needed a friend or confident. Finally, a group of close friends took the courage to tell me I needed professional advice. I listened and followed through and contacted a counsellor. I am thankful still to this day, for seeking a third-person to assist me to work through my multiple issues (as it turned out). One of those issues was the death of sister Kathryn. At the time of my counselling, it had been 18 years since her passing. By the end of our first session, she commented what great cognitive skills I had. Here I had thought I had dealt with my death, so I was surprised to hear that I had only partially dealt with her death. I had gone through the steps of grieving to a level where I could cope and continue on with my life, but I buried the rest of my grief. What I buried was the emotions and feelings of my grief from her loss. Not just saying it, but feeling the release of forgiving myself as well as forgiving her I guess too. Why am I asking for forgiveness? For reasons we truly do not know why, Kathryn decided on ending her life. To begin my true healing of Kathryn, I had to forgive myself (I was a good sister to Kathryn. I should have done more because we were close - why didn’t I signs of her depression state), letting go of the pain and forgive Kathryn of choosing to take her life was the only action to take.  Needing to deal with the emotional grief is hard but it is truly the only way to leave the trauma in the past but still I cherish the memories left to bring a smile to your face instead of feeling the pain and loss. 

I remember something Kathryn told me after her full-arm amputation due to the recurrence of cancer, she had to learn to grief of what she lost. Would a guy ever hug her or love her even if she doesn’t have an arm? She couldn’t give full hugs anymore (she was a great hugger). Could she experience what it was like to drive a call? (Yes she did. She was a good driver too). Can I be athletic again like I once was? (Yes. She learned how to run despite having hardware keeping her spine stable. Plus she represented Canada in the 1992 ParOlympic Games in Barcelona, Spain). Dealing with grief of losing something allows oneself to move forward to find new joys, new passions, new things which identifies you as a person. That is what is ahead of me for the foreseeable future. A week ago (September 10), it became more clearer that my recovery is probably now focusing on maintenance so I don’t go backwards losing what I gained in muscle tone and strength. I will need time to process and accept what my life will be looking like as a quadriplegic. Grieve the independence I no longer have; grieving the career in Data Collection in the Health Records Department; grieving not being able to travel and explore or visit family and friends live I once did. As I never found that special someone, I felt my purpose/identity was my work at the hospitals. Of course, I was reminded early in my GBS journey from my close friends Sara & John, “We don’t know you from work. Our children don’t know you from work. So your work isn’t the only thing which identifies you to others.” Wow - really didn’t think about it that way. 

So with this coming year as I begin a new decade, I can think of this moment in time by having a fresh slate. Making a new path of new joys, new experiences, finding new passions and purposes to bring fulfillments which leads to an identity and self confidence again. 

Cheers to my 50s!